Enamoured: An Alternative Ending to RotK
by Sir Mocha
Summary: The bizarre love lives of our favorite LotR characters! Not for the faint of heart or stomach!
1. The Purple Glittery Sparkle Chapter

Good afternoon to y'all. I am THE SEAOKNARNAR and I welcome you to my fic. It is rather estranged, and it is not a quality piece of writing at all. Please do not judge my writing for this: I merely wrote it as a shocker for my innocent friends. I know that bTolkien, who owns the Lord of the Rings and all related characters, not me, so don't sue/b, would flip in his grave if he could read this. Here is a summary:

At the end of their arduous journey to Mount Doom, Frodo and Sam come upon an unforeseen obstacle in their quest to destroy the Ring. Will they be able to overcome it? Or will they be thwarted in the final step of their quest?

Like I said, this is not a quality piece of fiction, so do not flame me for it. I realize that it is stupid, moronish, inane, vulgar, stupid again, a waste of time…..

~$E@OK|\|/-\R|\|/-\R~

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centerbEnamoured: 

An Alternative Ending to Return of the Kingb/center

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centerby Seaoknarnar/center

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Frodo and Sam staggered in to Mount Doom. After slaying Gollum and making sure they were alone, Frodo withdrew the Ring from his neck chain, preparing to throw it in the fire so that it would be destroyed and humanity would be saved and Sauron would be defeated.

But Frodo began to have second thoughts. 

"Sam," he said to Sam, "do we really have to do this? I mean, we've never met this Sauron guy and we don't know that he all that bad…" said Frodo, his hand outstreatched, palm up, holding the Ring. He was staring at it with longing shining from his babbilly-blue eyes……

…When it was fiercely snatched from his hand by a fat, balding human figure in a purple glittery sparkle thong—and only a purple glittery sparkle thong. 

It was Sauron! Sauron, the deeply feared and hated dark lord of Middle Earth. But at the moment, he didn't look like anything more than a misguided lingerie model.

"Mr Frodo, let's get out of here," said Sam, taking Frodo's hand in his own protectively.

But Frodo didn't respond. He was staring at Sauron's semi-naked body with a feeling of disgust/ admiration/ horror/ pity/ ridicule/ surprise/ interest. 

"Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo?" screamed Sam annoyingly, while lovingly embracing Frodo for no apparent reason.

"Sam, it isn't the time for that right now," said Frodo in a caring voice, referring to the embrace. "Maybe later. But right now, I'm going to go talk to that…thing."

Maybe it was the lack of the usual silvery and spiky and sharp and evil-looking armor and the lack of the 10,000,000,000 orcs and nazgul Sauron usually had, but the Dark Lord did not appear remotely frightening. That is why Frodo walked up to him and said, "Will you please give me the Ring?" in his most baby-cutsie-high pitched-hobbit voice. He had a notion that Sauron was nothing more than a dimwit now.

"I'll give you the Ring, but first you need to do something for me. I need you to sign this document." He handed Frodo a purple glittery sparkle pen and a purple glittery sparkle piece of parchment with some Elvish writing on it.

"You should never sign a legal document when you don't know what it says," remarked Sam, while re ran his fingers caringly through Frodo's curly brown Hobbit hair.

"Ok, Sam, you're right. Mr Sauron, what does it say?" asked Frodo.

"It's a legally binding agreement bestowing a portion of Middle Earth (namely 100%) to the requesting party (namely me) from the donating party (namely you) for a sum of money paid to the order of the requesting party. In addition, the donating party will relinquish all previous claims to the aforesaid land, and deliver its previous inhabitants to the service of the requesting party. The donating party will either choose to remain in aforesaid territory and be eradicated, or relocate and yield a sum of currency to the aforesaid party," said Sauron in his best boring teacher/ lawyer voice.

[A.N: Basically, if you didn't read or understand that last part, it says that Frodo will give up Middle Earth to Sauron and his gang, and he will pay them a large amount of money in the process. All the people living in Middle Earth will become Sauron's slaves, and the only way out of slavery will be to pay Sauron a huge amount of money. If they don't pay, they'll be killed.]

Without further ado, Frodo took the purple glittery sparkle pen and started to sign his name. He didn't quite understand what Sauron had said (he being a Hobbit and Hobbits being pretty slow on the uptake), but he thought that it would be alright in the end. He didn't see why people thought he was such a bad guy. It was too bad that Frodo was already Sam's boyfriend, he thought, because Sauron seemed like a pretty nice guy after all.

Frodo was just about to sign the "s" in "Frodo Ellwood Ferdinand Roger Dimitruan Baggins", when Aragorn rushed in, followed by Arwen and Eowyn having a boxing match for his love. Aragorn took is huge big shiny sword and cleaved Frodo in half. He then turned to Sam and said, "I'm sorry, Sam. I know you loved him, but I had to cleave him in half because I couldn't let him succumb to Sauron's evil. And knock it off, you two," he directed towards Arwen and Eowyn. 

Eowyn took his comment literally and knocked Arwen's head off with a lightening-fast right hook. She then hooked up with Aragorn, and they left after Aragorn finished the small matter of killing the evil Dark Lord. No one seemed to notice how Aragorn took the Ring and slipped it in his pocket. [A.N: Guess he couldn't resist the temptation after all…]

Then Sam hooked up with Rosie, who appeared magically out of the air and smiled at him. You see, Sam wasn't gay, as most people believe. He was merely pretending to be gay with Frodo (who was really gay) so when the time was right he could steal the Ring and stab Frodo in the back with a Hobbit-dagger. Anyway, back to the main story. 

And, in the end, the corpses of Gollum, Sauron, and Arwen hooked up and decided to have a purple glittery sparkle threesome in Gollum's cave in the Misty Mountains. 

In the end, everyone lived happily ever after… 

…At least, until Legolas' wedding……….

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Heh, a minor cliffie I have left you. Yup, I am planning another chapter. Here is a preliminary summary:

It is the happy day of Legolas' wedding, and he will have a sparkling beautiful bride. But as they are about to say "I DO," some crazy obsessors come to crash the party and claim Legolas as their own. How will Legolas be saved? And who will end up as the bride of Legolas? Tune in next time!

In the next chapter we will meet some of my friends. I'll give you one guess as to who they will be. Hint, hint: they are crazy.

~$E@OK|\|@R|\|@R~


	2. The Wedding of Legolas or How Not to Gou...

Good evening to y'all. I am THE SEAOKNARNAR and I welcome you to my fic. I'm sorry the HTML didn't work in the last chapter. I think HTML doesn't like me. Anyway, welcome to the second chapter of ENAMOURED: AN ALTERNATE ENDING TO ROTK! Anyway, I'm just going to try a little experiment below, to see if I can't get the hang of HTML. If anyone would like to tell me how, I'd appreciate it.....  
  
::dead silence::  
  
This chapter is much longer than the first one and, in my opinion, more funny. It has to deal with Legolas's wedding and the aftermath as a result. Along the way you'll meet my friend, Nannus, and some other familiar characters from LotR.  
  
biuDon't get me wrong, I LOVE LotR! It is my favorite movie series. And I find nothing wrong with being gay. But I think I have to explain something. No one in my story is gay: gayness does not occur in Middle Earth. Instead, everyone is bi in Middle Earth. I find nothing wrong with being bi either, as long as it makes you happy and you aren't hurting anyone. I hope that makes u feel better, o great Tolkien who owns LotR and I do not so don't sue./u/i/b  
  
I'd like to give a special thank you to LotR-Redwall-Obsessive-Child, otherwise known as Nannus, for being my first and ONLY reviewer. THANK U NANNUS! I didn't specify that I wanted reviews, but now I guess I do. Just not flames.  
  
Well, I'll stop all my ramblings now and get on with the fic before some one gouges my eyes out with a blunt pair of safety scissors. But I'll be back after this installment. Ciao, baby!  
  
~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~  
  
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*Enamoured*  
  
*An Alternative Ending to RotK*  
  
*By Seaoknarnar*  
  
CHAPTER 2: THE MARRIAGE OF LEGOLAS  
  
The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Legolas was shampooing his long silky blonde hair. Today was the day he was getting married! And he wasn't just getting married to some old ugly Arwen lookalike; he was getting married to the most beautiful, hot, attractive Elf of all time, Urwen!  
  
He had met Urwen in a dark, filthy little pub in lower Mirkwood called the Mud Orc. Urwen was very, very beautiful but very, very stupid, and she made her living as a hooker/ waitress in the pub.  
  
But Legolas didn't care about that. Urwen was beautiful, and that was all that mattered. Legolas himself wasn't the brightest bulb in the lamp, but millions of girls, all over Middle Earth, were in love with his hot looks, so he figured that he and she would make a good couple.  
  
Anyway, it was the happy day of the wedding. Legolas's best man was going to be Gimli, and the ring bearer was going to be Aragorn. Legolas finished shampooing and conditioning and blow-drying and combing and spraying and varnishing his hair. Then, seeing as how Aragorn was in the bathroom (possibly taking a bath with Eowyn), Legolas decided to go through all of Aragorn's personal belongings to find the ring he was to give to Urwen, because he wanted to admire it and look at his reflection in it.. He looked through Aragorn's shirt, pants, cape, underwear, and armor, but he still could not find the ring.  
  
Being a dense and impatient elf, he barged into the bathroom, with total cluelessness as to what was going on inside. When he saw what Eowyn and Aragorn were doing, his eyes bugged out and he was about to faint.  
  
[A.N: Don't worry, I won't make this any dirtier than it has to be.]  
  
Eowyn and Aragorn were standing around in (rather revealing) flurffy white bathrobes. Aragorn was brushing green crud out of his teeth and plucking his eyebrows and nose hairs. Eowyn was manicuring his fingernails and toenails, applying very heavy makeup to his extremely wrinkled 85-year-old face to make him appear young and youthful, and, what shocked Legolas the most, she secured a greasy, stringy toupee to his head with duct tape which she covered with more makeup.  
  
As Legolas stared, Aragorn said, "You don't think I managed to look attractive and greasy without a little cosmetic help, do you Legolas? After all, I'm supposed to be 85 frickin years old! So now that the secret's out, I'm either going to have to kill you or you need to let me braid your hair as soon as I'm finished being prettified."  
  
It wasn't until Legolas' hair was nicely braided that he remembered what he had come in for in the first place. "Aragorn," he said to Aragorn, "can I have the ring?"  
  
"Ring?! What Ring?!" replied Aragorn, looking extremely nervous/ shifty as he put a hand inside the pocket of his bathrobe, which by now you know had the One Ring in it. "I don't know what Ring you're talking about!," he sobbed and screamed.  
  
"You know, ring? Like as in wedding ring?" replied Legolas suspiciously, over Aragorn's din. He was finally catching on that there might be something important in Aragorn's pocket.  
  
"Oh, wedding ring!" said Aragorn, looking and sounding extremely relieved. Then worried. Then relieved again. Then worried again. Then relieved some more. Finally, his face settled on a worried look. "Oh yeah, the ring," he chuckled nervously. "I must have left it in my horsie's saddlebags. I'll just go get it." He backed slowly out of the room, then ran outside wearing no more than a rather flurffy bathrobe. Legolas and Eowyn could hear the sounds of Aragorn yelling "Mush, you stupid horse! Mush!" at his horse, and the sounds of a galloping horse receding in to the distance.  
  
[A.N: for all of you who don't understand the last part, it happens a lot on the simpsons. That might or might not be helpful, I dunno]  
  
Legolas, of course, didn't realise that Aragorn was gone, being a dumb blonde and all. [A.N: no offense to blondes. The smartest person I know is a blonde] So, after an hour or waiting, he decided that Aragorn would come find him when he returned. With that, he left the bathroom to get ready. Eowyn, for no apparent reason, went into a coma.  
  
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Legolas stood under the wedding tent, smoothing his recently shampooed and beautifully braided long blonde hair. He was too stupid to be nervous; instead, he was just happy to finally be seeing Urwen again after such a long time. To this day, the Mirkwood Elf rule is that if the groom sees the bride 11 ½ days before the wedding, he has to chop off his beautiful long hair and gouge his eyes out with a blunt pair of safety scissors. Legolas did not want to risk damaging is hair, so he hadn't seen Urwen for a while.  
  
He stood by Gimli, his best man . Legolas was glad that Legolas was finally getting married, because now Gimli would stop trying to seduce him. He still had no idea where Aragorn was, but he figured that he didn't really need the ring to get married.  
  
The weddingy music started, and a thought suddenly occurred to Legolas. He had no clue who the minister was going to be! He vaguely remembered asking one of the wizards to do it, but he couldn't remember who. Oh well, he thought, I'll find out in a few seconds anyway.  
  
As he walked out from underneath the tent and onto the sunny grass of the garden where he was to be married, he was dismayed to find that there was no minister standing before him. But his dismay soon turned to relief when he heard, "No, wait! I'm here!"  
  
It was Saruman, closely followed by Wormtongue, who was ordered to sit down. Saruman ran up to the front of the procession and finally turned to face the crowd, straightening his minister's hat.  
  
He had no sooner done this than Legolas heard another voice saying, "No, wait! I'm here!"  
  
Gandalf rushed in wearing a hat identical to Saruman's. As soon as he saw the other wizard, Gandalf's eyes narrowed and he said, "You!"  
  
Gandalf didn't wait for a response; he just ran towards Saruman as fast as he could and took him down with a flying tackle. In response, Saruman yanked a chunk out of Gandalf's beard [A.N: ouch that had to hurt], which made Gandalf bellow in rage. He then headbutted Saruman, who scratched Gandalf's face with his long spiky fingernails. A good old catfight ensued, until Saruman finally pinned Gandalf face down. He bent Gandalf's arm backwards until Gandalf screamed shrilly, "OW! All right, all right, you win!" Then the two wizards began kissing furiously, as if to say, "I'm sorry" to each other.  
  
As soon as they started kissing, Wormtongue got up and screamed, "You said you loved only me! He ran sobbing out of the room.  
  
Gandalf chose this moment to magic himself to the wedding site. "Sorry I'm late," he said. "What've I missed?"  
  
Saruman looked at the Gandalf in his embrace. "If you're Gandalf," he said to the just-arrived Gandalf, "then who's this?"  
  
Fake Gandalf unzipped his costume [A.N: like on the Pepsi Twist commercials] and revealed himself to be Elrond. "I'm sorry sweetie," he said to Saruman, "but I thought that after all these long years you wouldn't want to love me again."  
  
The two started kissing like mad again, signifying that all was well. The crowd said, "Awwwwwwww," then Gimli went up to cover the duo with a blanket and kick them out of the way so the wedding could start.  
  
The music began again (it had stopped during the previous love scene), and Gandalf took his place as minister. Then the crowd rose to their feet when the bride walked in, but most of them sat back down when the bride flashed them. She was dressed in a way that people at the beach would have been embarrassed to dress in.  
  
She sauntered up to Legolas, smiling her slutty smile. She pulled a package out of goodness-knows-where, and pulled out a Pipeweed stick, offering one to Legolas. He declined (it would stain his teeth), and she put the pack back and pulled out an Elvin Firestone. She lit her stick and took a big puff of Pipeweed before tossing the lit stick in her mouth, chewing it vigorously, and swallowing it. "It helps calm me," was her explanation.  
  
And so the wedding began. And it continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued. And continued.  
  
Finally, Gandalf got to the part where he said, "And if anyone wishes that these two not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."  
  
Aragorn burst through the garden door. His eyes were bloodshot, his mouth was foaming, his clothes were torn, and he had lipstick all over his face. "I ran here all the way from Gondor," he said in a foamy voice. "I got you your ring," he said, mistakenly throwing Legolas the One Ring instead of the cheap cubic zirconia he meant to give him. "And Legolas," he said, throwing himself upon the ground, "they're coming."  
  
"Who's coming?" asked Legolas, but Aragorn had fainted by then and had been dragged off by Eowyn, who had miraculously awakened from her coma.  
  
Suddenly, everyone present heard footsteps. Many, furious footsteps.  
  
Everyone was afraid.  
  
The doors of the garden burst open, and a Gondorian girl strode in.  
  
The Fan Girls: ravenous, bloodthirsty, and completely obsessed over Legolas. Their leader was a fierce girl named Nannus, and she was the most obsessed of them all.  
  
"Legolas," she said, "it's so awesome to finally meet you! ;-} But down to business. :-|. I along with my girls, am here to make sure you don't get married to that two-bit slut. We will use any means necessary, and it could get ugly. Now girls! ATTACK!"  
  
The terrified screams of the crowd were drowned out by the evil screams of the girls. Nannus pulled out her knife and jumped on Urwen. The rest of the girls formed two rings: one around the fight, and one around Legolas. All the terrified guests huddled in a corner. Yes, even Gimli.  
  
Nannus and Urwen's battle was fiercer than anyone expected. Being a two- bit slut, Urwen knew a few tricks, and pulled on incredibly thin and sharp knife out of one of her stiletto heels. Each girl got cuts and slashes. But in the end, Nannus killed Urwen in an extremely violent, R-rated way.  
  
Then all the crazy Fan Girls began to fight among themselves. Nannus, being the leader, had an advantage over the other girls, but most of them were as fierce as she was. Yet another long, gory, R-rated battle followed. After all, they were all vying for Legolas' heart.  
  
Finally, only Nannus was left standing amidst a pile of corpses. But then she, as well as the rest of the wedding guests, vanished in to a pile of thin air.  
  
Legolas was trying to figure out what made everyone vanish. There didn't seen to be a logical explanation for it. Stuff like that only happened in a fictional story.  
  
[A.N: Should I end it here? Nahhhh.]  
  
Just as Legolas thought that he was the only living being in the garden, Saruman and Elrond popped up from underneath the blanket. Their lips were all puffy, their hair was all disheveled, and their clothes were all rumpled.  
  
Saruman said to Legolas, "I sensed agitation at the wedding ceremony. I felt that you were discomforted, and the whole wedding would end with tribulation. Therefore, I did you a favor and got rid of everyone. I think I deposited them somewhere in the Dead Marshes."  
  
Elrond put an arm around Saruman, and continued. "We wanted to thank you for bringing us back together. A thousand years ago, we were lovers, and then we had Arwen. Well, Saruman wasn't ready for children, so he left me. I haven't spoken to him since. But now we're going to get back together, and Arwen will finally learn who here other daddy is." No body had told him that Arwen was dead and having a ghostly threesome with Sauron and Gollum. "That's why we did you that favor."  
  
More passionate kissing followed, and Legolas was left alone to think about his almost wedding.  
  
Everyone said that 228th time's the lucky one, he thought, but I still haven't managed to get married.  
  
He had been so busy during the wedding ceremony that he had failed to notice that three of his guests of honor hadn't shown up. Where in Middle- Earth could Merry, Pippin, and Faramir have been..?  
  
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I know, I know, the ending was substandard. I was writing it on the spot because I didn't like the old ending. So I guess, to entice you, I will give you a preliminary summary of the third chapter:  
  
After discovering magical mushrooms in Fangorn Forest, Merry and Pippin meet up with an old friend and funky stuff happens.  
  
Trust me, it will be better than it sounds.  
  
Sorry I took so long getting this chapter out. I wasn't really motivated to type. Next chapter, I'm not letting anyone read it beforehand, because they will motivate me to post it sooner.  
  
Like I said at the top, I'd appreciate it if someone could drop a review of my story. Just so I'd know that more than one person was reading it. That's all I ask.  
  
~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~ 


	3. Strange, Drug Induced Happenings in the ...

Good afternoon to y'all. I am **THE SEAOKNARNAR** and I welcome you to my fic. I hope you'll notice that I _finally_ got the hang of HTML! :-D ::cheers loudly and pops the cork from a bottle of champagne:: 

A special thank you must go out to all the people who reviewed my second chapter: **neithan02**, **Daisy Brambleburr**, **RideOfFwithSHAdoWfaX**, **Rachel**, **LotR-Redwall-Obsessive-Child**, **Dark Phoenix**, and **Teresa**. Here's to all you readers out there! ::holds up champagne:: A little review now and then would be nice too…..

This chapter is not one of my better chapters. I was having severe writer's block (thank you very much Nannus!), and this chapter is definitely not as good as my others. So don't be offended or anything. The next chapter is bound to be better. After all, from rock bottom one can only go up. 

For all you readers out there who get the teensiest bit queasy when you read about dead bodies, this chapter is not for you (unless you like the queasy feeling). :-)

Ok, ok, I'm almost done. Finally, I must make my dedications. Firstly, this story is dedicated to Nannus (LotR-Redwall-Obsessive-Child), who put it into my head to write a Frodo/Sauron slash. I know the story did not go in that direction, but it was intended to so I'm still dedicating this story to Nannus. Secondly, I dedicate this story to **J. R. R. Tolkien, who owns LotR and not I so he and his agents and relatives and friends shouldn't sue me.**

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~

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Enamoured: An Alternate Ending to RotK

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*by Seaoknarnar*

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Chapter 3: Strange, Drug Induced Happenings in the Forest

Merry and Pippin were walking. Walking in some random forest outside of the Shire. Merry was singing at the top of his lungs, while Pippin was eating. So far he had eaten two cakes, five pies, a tub of ice cream, a tub of lard, 17 chicken legs, and nine whole pieces of _lembas_, the elvish waybread. Currently he was stuffing a ruffed grouse submarine sandwich in his hungry mouth.

Merry stopped singing. "Say, Pippin," he said to Pippin, "you know you've got the loveliest brown eyes? They're so...brown." He batted his long, curly Hobbit eyelashes at Pippin, and picked a flower, which he gave to the perpetually hungry Hobbit.

Pippin's lovely brown eyes opened wide in shock. "Oh, Merry, I never knew you felt that way about me! I thought I was the only one! I thought you liked that Hobbit-chick that Sam likes! Oh, Merry, you don't know how happy you've made me!" Pippin was crying from happiness. He embraced Merry.

Merry felt awkward. "Actually, Pip, I _was_ just kidding. I really _do_ like Sam's Hobbit-chick." He wriggled out of Pippin's hug.

Pippin replied, "Uh……of course I was kidding, Merry! I knew you were kidding all along. You didn't actually believe me, did you?" He gave a carefree chuckle that quickly turned into a sob. "Oh, Merry, Merry, why? Why can't you love me?" He fell upon the forest floor and burst into noisy sobs.

Merry felt more awkward than ever. Looking around, he spotted a clump of mushrooms growing on a dead log. He picked two of them. They were iridescent purple-pink-red and they were oddly pulsating. "Cheer up, Pip," he shouted over the noisy sobs. "You like food, right? Well, my old granny used to tell me that to chase away sadness you needed to eat mushrooms. She eventually died of inner turmoil and torment, but she was a pretty smart old lady anyway and I'm pretty sure she was right about the mushroom thing. After all, mushrooms are your favorite food, right?"

Pippin looked up, took a big sniffle, and accepted one of the mushrooms from Merry and sadly stuffed it in to his hungry mouth. Merry ate the other one. They actually tasted pretty good.

As soon as both Hobbits swallowed the mushrooms, their pupils dilated, their mouths began to excessively salivate, blood rushed to their feet, their IQs dropped 70 points, their hearts beat irregularly, and dopey smiles appeared on their drug induced faces.

Unfortunately, Merry had found the one patch in the entire forest of _MAGICAL MUSHROOMS_, notorious mushrooms that caused the same effects as a combination of marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy. These mushrooms were prohibited by law, but they found their ways in to the bodies of young Hobbits regardless. 

"Hew know Pheppen," said Merry in a drug-induced voice [A.N: If you don't understand then try saying the words out loud. It's like phonetic spelling], "Hyoure not sho bad yooking hyerself. I kood khis hew."

"I'd lurve that," said 'Pheppen' in response, and the two Hobbits began making out. In truth, they would have gone even further had not _someone_ come along.

That _someone_ was Faramir. He was walking around in the forest as part of his new job, Mushroom Patrol. It was his job to make sure that no one ate the _MAGICAL MUSHROOMS_. He was happy because he would get to arrest anyone he found breaking that law.

Lucky for Faramir, he stumbled across the two…busy…Hobbits under the influence of the mushrooms. At once he recognised them as having the effects of the _MUSHROOMS_. He went through extensive training to be able to do so. He quickly pulled the two Hobbits apart, and started yelling at them. "What the hell do you two think you're doing!? Don't you know that those _MUSHROOMS_ are stimulants that will kill you!? And put your pants back on, Pippin!"

Pippin decided that rather than put his pants back on, he'd like to eat them. So that's what he did. Then he ate Merry's pants, too. [A.N: Don't worry, Merry and Pippin were wearing shorts under their pants. I'm not _that _dirty!] Through his chewing he said, "Downt yew tell _mee_ wat to dew, yew stoopid hewman!"

The two drugged, pantsless Hobbits advanced on Faramir, who was staring at them with horror. Merry jumped on Faramir and pinned him to the ground, and then Pippin bit Faramir's head off with his chompy teeth. Then he ate Faramir's dead body and left the head for the crows [A.N: yay! Crows! Perhaps Crebain from Dunland…]. Then, for no apparent reason, both Hobbits sprawled on the leafy forest floor in an unconscious way.

The sun set, and rose, and set again, and rose again. In the course of the two days a famous wedding had taken place… but back to the current story. The sun rose on the faces of the two Hobbits, which caused them to wake from their drugged slumber.

The first thing Merry said was, "Hey, Pip, where's our pants?"

The first thing Pippin said was, "I'm hungry, Merry. Is there anything to eat?"

After replying, "No, nothing except that mangled head lying over there," Merry informed Pippin that they would go to Fangorn Forest to see what Treebeard and the Ents were up to………

After they got some pants.

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Yup, well, that's the third chapter. ::lackluster applause echoes from background:: Be sure to drop a review if you liked it, or if you found it even mildly interesting. If you absolutely hated it, and you're dying to tell me, don't bother reviewing. 

Here is a preview of the next chapter:

Just what exactly _are_ Treebeard and the Ents up to? What are those horrible, high pitched screeching noises? And what will happen when some old friends return, seeking revenge? Tune in next time to find out!

I'm already writing chapter 4, so I hope I'll have it out soon. In the meantime, there are plenty of other good, quality fics you can read out there. 

Of course, none of them will ever compare to Enamoured!

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~

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This chapter has been brought to you by the number 3 and the letter J.


	4. The FurukHai

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Good evening to y'all. I am **THE SEAOKNARNAR**, and I welcome you to my fic. Is that getting annoying? Should I stop? I just hate to break with tradition. Anyway….

Sorry I've been late posting this. I just have no motivation to type. You see, I first write my story on paper, and then I type it up and revise it as I type.

I'm not allowed online right now, so I can't check to see _if_ anyone reviewed my third chapter. If you did, I thank you. If you didn't, you should have. I think I would even accept flames… Not that I'm suggesting that you flame me, of course.

I promised that I would do this commercial for my friend LotR-Redwall-Obsessive-Child 's fic, Everlasting. It is an interesting story about an OC who meets and falls in love with Legolas, but it has a tragic twist that prevents the two from eternal love. ::sniff:: It's so sad… but good. There, commercial over.

Yeah, well, I think that's been a long enough ramble. Now, on to the fic! If u want a disclaimer, read the first 3 chapters.

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~ 

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Enamoured: An Alternate Ending to RotK

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*by Seaoknarnar*

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Chapter 4: The Furuk-Hai

After stopping at the tailor's, Merry and Pippin wandered across the Plains of Rohan until they reached the edge of Fangorn Forest.

"Hey Merry," said Pippin, "Let's go visit Treebeard! Since we're over here, we might as well go see him."

"Peregrin Took," said Merry frustratedly, "I told you in the last chapter that we were going to visit him. Do you think we walked all the way over here for FUN?!"

"I'm a Took," replied Pippin, shrugging. "We aren't known for our quick wit."

After that stupid dialogue, the two hobbits walked into the forest. By following a trail of big rooty footprints, the hobbits wandered their way to Treebeard's cave. They were just about to walk in when they heard hideous screams issue from the cave's dark labyrinth of tunnels.

"Treebeard?" Pippin yelled into the cave, "Treebeard, are you all right?"

Treebeard yelled back out, "Is that the hobbits? Come in! You can see what I've been up to since our last rendez-vous."

The hobbits carefully tiptoed into the cave. After tripping on numerous rocks and crevices, they found that they were in a large cavern lit by a huge bonfire in the middle. 

Treebeard ambled over to the hobbits. "hey, little dudes, wassup?" he said with a strange accent.

Merry and Pippin looked suspiciously at Treebeard. "Well Treebeard," said Merry, "what have you been doing since we last saw you? You seem…more hasty."

Treebeard responded, "Oh, don't call me Treebeard, that sounds so medieval! Call me Homie T!"

At this point Pippin wanted to run screaming in terror from the cave, and Merry was staring at Homie T with big round eyes.

Homie T the unzipped his costume [A.N: Think Pepsi Twist, or Gandalf/Elrond from ch.2] and revealed himself to be some random elf. Nannus (the head Gondorian FanGirl) ran in and snatched him away back to Gondor.

Merry and Pippin stared at each other, baffled. Neither of them understood the point of that pointless scene.

It was then that the _real_ Treebeard walked in. The hobbits immediately ran behind him to look for his zipper, but they didn't hind one. Once they were assured, they said (in perfect, supernatural unison), "Treebeard! It's you, it's really you! We're so glad to see you!"

Treebeard said (in his _unhasty_ voice), "Well now, little hobbits! Hoom, what's this? A pleasant, unexpected visit I believe, hoom?"

Merry replied, "Well, we were bored so we decided to walk all the way here to see what you were up to."

"Ah, hoom, that's nice. Say, you didn't happen to see a random elf come in, did you? He's my assistant, and I sent him to get some lip gloss, but, hoom, he never came back," inquired Treebeard.

Merry looked at Pippin, and Pippin looked at Merry, and they shrugged. "Nope, haven't seen him," replied Pippin.

"Ah, well, hoom, I was going to fire min anyway," said Treebeard nonchalantly. "His lunch breaks were too long. But come, come, hoom, you must see my project!"

For the first time the hobbits noticed the odd, eager gleam in Treebeard's bulby eyes. They didn't know what to make of it, so they dismissed it as a treeish thing.

All three walked down twisting passage after twisting passage, until they reached another large cavern. This one was brightly lit by those glowy mushrooms (but these were about 100 watts). What they saw inside frightened Merry and Pippin peeless (literally)!

There were about 50 Uruk-hai orcs. But these Uruk-hai were not the slimy, knife wielding, growling, macho Uruk-hai. These orcs were fairly well washed, their hair was brushed and neatly braided, their teeth were brushed and flossed, and they wore cosmetics on their ugly faces. Yup. These were _female_ Uruk-hai, the Furuk-hai! Now the hobbits knew what Treebeard had been up to all this time. There were no Furuk-hai born naturally. So that meant……….!

"You _bred_ _female_ Uruk-hai, Treebeard?!" exclaimed Merry astonishedly. "What in Middle Earth possessed you to do that?! And I don't want to know exactly _how_ you accomplished that, because I'm sure I don't want to hear about it!"

"Hoom, young hobbit, I'll tell you why I bred Furuk-hai. I figured that I could release them on male orc populations and they would make the male orcs docile. However, when I released these 50 on a local orc population, my Furuk-hai slaughtered the males brutally. They proved to be a lot fiercer. So now I keep these 50 with me, because they obey me and because I enjoy their company. I haven't had the company of a female _anything_ in a long, long time. I want you to meet my special favorite." Treebeard then called out to the Furuk-hai, "Oh, Grooda, come Grooda!"

Grooda obediently pranced over. She was about seven feet tall, and she wore pink lipstick, blue eye shadow, and in her hair was an ugly red flower. She also wore a lacy white apron over a frilly pink ballroom gown. She clutched Treebeard's arm like an (ugly) arm trophy, and said (in an ugly voice), "Pray thee little sirs, how fare thee this insubstantial afternoon?"

Pippin felt oddly formal with his response of, "In the drealms of confusion, if you please ma'am."

Treebeard dismissed Grooda, who went back to vacuuming the cavern with all the other Furuks.

Pippin, above the drones of the 50 vacuum cleaners, told Treebeard, "I don't envy your choice of females, Treebeard."

Treebeard was just about to respond as scathingly as a talking tree can respond, when there was a loud, mysterious shout outside the cave door. The shouter shouted, in an unhasty female voice, "Treebeard! Come on out and bring your big, strong Ents with you!" Treebeard said, to the hobbits, "I would recognise that voice after a million millennia! It's Fimbrethil, my Entmaiden sweetheart from all those years ago! The Entwives! They've returned at last! HOOOOOOOOMMMMM!" Treebeard gave a mighty call, and it seemed that at once, all the _unhasty_ Ents hastily ran to gather in the large cavern.

"Ents, lets us travel out to meet the very Entwives we have coveted these long years, hoom!" Treebeard announced in a mighty voice. The Ents were out of there in a flash, leaving Merry and Pippin to find their way back to the entrance of the cave.

They got a little lost on the way, but when they finally found their way and the entrance, it was guarded by what looked like an Ent, though in reality it was an _Entwife. _Merry and Pippin hadn't realised before that all the Entwives carried…._axes_.

"Excuse me madam, but would you please allow my companion and me to pass?" Pippin asked with his earlier formality.

"Young'n, you don't wanna be out there when _it_ starts," replied the Entwife with absolutely no formality whatsoever. "I'm here to prevent those fungi from goin' back in this here cave."

Pippin was about to ask, "When _what_ starts?" when Fimbrethil began to speak.

"Ents," began Fimbrethil, "you probably believe that we have returned because we miss you and want to be with you again. If you believe this, you are suckers. We have been away so long we now enjoy each others' company more than the company of our male counterparts. [A.N: They're lesbians] Furthermore, we are here to seek retaliation against you chauvinistic pig-trees!"

All the Entwives pulled their huge murderous loggers' axes from behind their backs. 

Fimbrethil gave the signal to begin attacking by leaping at Treebeard and chopping his arm off. [A.N: Is it considered R-rated to describe killing a talking _tree_ in great detail?]

The other Entwives advanced on the unfortunate Ents. Some Ents lost arms or legs to the murderous axes swung with deadly precision. Other, more fortunate Ents immediately lost their heads and were spared the horrors of the battle. The Entwives kept maiming the Ents until they got tired of the cat-and-mouse game. That was when they wheeled in the flame-throwers.

Both hobbits were crying; after all, Treebeard _had_ been one of their good friends. When they could stand it no more they pushed past the Entwife guard and ran out of the cave, to burn alive with the Ents.

After the mass carnage was over, all that remained in the clearing was a pile of ashes and two charred hobbit skulls. Merry and Pippin had made the ultimate sacrifice, all for the sake of friendship.

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Ok, I know, I know, what the heck was I thinking when I wrote the ending? Well actually, I have no idea: this chapter just sort of wrote itself. I thought it was interesting to put in a serious ending, until a **certain someone** burst out laughing in the end. So now I have no idea what to think.

Next chapter tentative preview: 

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So, whatever did happen to all the guests from Legolas' wedding? Well, we do know that Saruman sent them to the Dead Marshes. However, we don't know what went on in the Dead Marshes. And also, what exactly did Gimli pickpocket from Legolas? The answer in the next chapter!

Well, that's all I have to say!

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~ 

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This chapter was brought to you by the letter E and the number 50.


	5. In the Dead Marshes

Good afternoon to y'all, I am **THE SEAOKNARNAR, **and I welcome you to my fic.

Don't worry, you don't have to hear it much longer. I think I see an end in sight for my story :-(. Yes, I know you're all sad, but in a way I am kind of glad because I can devote my time to my other story, The Wood Between the Worlds, which is a Narnia/HDM fic and I really want to get in to it. So I'm afraid all good things must come to an end. I actually like this fic more than I originally thought I would. But more on that later.

Thank you to my _one and only reviewer for chapter 4,_ **Dark Phoenix.** Thank You x100,000,000! Maybe if more people reviewed I would be more inclined to keep going….

So anyway, this chapter is really short and to the point. Hmmm, this ramble is also really short and to the point…

Maybe no one's reviewing because no one's reading… ::sob::

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~ 

[All of my comments will be in brackets like these.]

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Enamoured: An Alternate Ending to RotK

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*by Seaoknarnar*

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Chapter 5: In the Dead Marshes

/ If anyone cares to recall, all the guests at Legolas' wedding were teleported by Saruman to the Dead Marshes. You will now hear what befell them there. /

Gimli landed with a _splush_ in a big puddle of swampy water. He instantly clambered out onto dry land, where he felt in his pocket to make sure his precious [hint, hint] burden was still there.

During the wedding ceremony, while everyone else had been preoccupied with the knife fight, Gimli had snuck up behind Legolas and had pickpocketed him. He had then returned to his spot on the wall, and he had pretended to be trembling with the rest of the crowd. In reality, he had been examining his booty [the thing he stole, you nitwit, not is butt!] and was surprised to find that it was the One Ring. He had instantly succumbed to its power: not because it exerted a powerful evil over him, but because it was shiny and dwarves love shiny things.

Now Gimli was examining the Ring in a loving manner. He shoved it inside his mouth as Gandalf walked by [think Mulan].

Gandalf, who had lost his wizard staff in a deep puddle, trotted over to Gimli. "Well Gimli, I've lost my wizard staff in a deep puddle," he said, "so I can't zap us out of here. By the way, do you know where Aragorn is?"

Gimli looked out over the marshes. He saw Aragorn stuff his dentures in his mouth, the start to frantically make out with Eowyn. Gimli gave a shudder of repulse, and shook his head "no" at Gandalf.

"It is imperative that I find him, because he has something that, if he succumbed to its evil, could destroy Middle Earth and the rest of the world!" Gandalf's eyes bulged out. "He has the One Ring!"

Gandalf trotted away, and Gimli carefully spat out the One Ring and gave a big sigh of relief.

He put the Ring in his pocket with a sigh of disappointment as large raindrops started to rapidly fall. In a matter of minutes, he found the water level rising around his ankles, and he quickly sloshed over to where he other guests were huddling. There was lots of noise as all the people were panicking.

"People of Middle Earth," shouted Gandalf, waving an old smelly stick around as a substitute for his wizard staff, "do not panic! I have devised a solution so no one will drown. We will create a colossal pyramid. The Elves will be on the bottom, because elves float particularly well [like Legolas in the snow on the pass of Caradhras, or the big snowy mountain in FotR], and they are immortal, so they will be a strong foundation. Then the rest of us will clamber on top of them until we are in a gigantic pyramid formation, and as the water rises we will float majestically on top of it! NOW! Let's move quickly before the water rises!"

Many of the Elves gave Gandalf dirty looks for making them be on the bottom, but the grudgingly got on their hands and knees anyway in the rapidly rising water. Then layer after layer of wedding guests got on, until everyone formed a colossal pyramid.

After climbing to the very top, Gimli looked down to the ground. He could see that the Elves were completely submerged: apparently they didn't float as well as Gandalf thought. There were also no bubbles issuing from their mouths or noses, which led Gimli to believe that they weren't exactly alive anymore.

The next to go were the guests standing directly on top of the Elves. As more and more died, Gimli was amazed that the pyramid still held. He was, after all, on the very top, and if the formation collapsed then he would fall the farthest. And everyone knows that dwarves can't swim. [he he he… ::insane cackle::]

Finally, when the water level had reached Gimli's chin, he started to pray. 'Oh magnificent One Ring, please use your magic to spare me from a gruesome death!"

Lo and behold, the rain subsided! The water level dropped, and the pyramid of corpses collapsed. Gimli jumped down agilely to the ground before he was squished. He landed on Gandalf's dead body.

"Ha ha ha, stupid wizard! You have insulted the power of my god, the One Ring! And you have felt its wrath! HA HA HA!"

After carefully stepping on Gandalf's face, Gimli searched his pocket, only to discover that the Ring was gone. The truth was that it had washed away during the flood [yeah, gold doesn't float but the Ring is magical!] and Gimli, being the smart dwarf he was, realized that fact.

"Lost! My precious Ring is lost!" Gimli wailed at the top of his lungs. He took a random sword off the ground, and chopped off his own head swiftly and surely, because he couldn't bear to live his life without the Ring.

But where could the Ring have washed off to…………?

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He he he, the characters are dropping like flies. I only have six more to kill, and I think I can do it in two chapters. That is my goal. 

Don't expect the next chapter for a while, because I'm busy. Very, very busy. Summary:

Sam and Legolas, both eligible bachelors, decide to go to the new club in Mirkwood to pick up a few chicks. At the club they meet a few old friends, but not in ways they would expect…

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Review! Please!

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~ 

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This chapter brought to you by the letter G and the number 5.


	6. Mud Orc 2K

Good evening to y'all. I am **THE SEAOKNARNAR**, and I welcome you to my fic.

I am SO SORRY for taking so long! First I got writer's block, then I tried writing this chapter but trashed it because it was lousy, then exams came, but now it's summer and I think I need to update.

This is the 2ND TO LAST CHAPTER, in case anyone cares…

A big **THANK YOU** to everyone who reviewed the last chapter(s)! I think my grand total is some where around 17 now! ::sigh of disappointment::

I'll probably get the last chapter out sometime soon, because I want to wrap up this story ASAP.

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Disclaimer: I do not own LotR (or do I? No, jkjk) or any characters associated with it. 

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~

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Enamoured: An Alternate Ending to RotK

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Chapter 6: Mud Orc 2K

After meeting up in Rivendell after the disastrous wedding, Sam and Legolas were walking. And walking. And walking. Then for a change, they walked some more.

"Say Sam," said Legolas to Sam, "where exactly are we walking to? My beautiful feet hurt, and before I develop beautiful blisters, I'd like to know where you're taking us."

"_Me_?" replied Sam astonishedly. "I thought _you_ were leading!" 

Legolas' beautiful jaw dropped. "So all this time, we've been following each other? Then _where_ in Middle Earth are we? And where _are_ we heading?"

The duo sat down on the nearest conveniently placed rock, and pondered the dilemma.

Suddenly, Sam snapped his fat Hobbit fingers, and a light bulb went off above his head. "Ok, Leggy, I got it! I know where we're heading! You've just come from a disastrous failure of a wedding, so you have no girl right now. And I, I have no girl now either—"

"What about that Rosie chick you were going with?" interrupted Leggy.

"I got bored with her," replied Sam snootily. "As I was saying… I got no girl either right now, so that makes us both single. And what are the two most eligible bachelors in Middle Earth—(at this Legolas laughed, and disguised it as a violent cough)—doing single? C'mon, we've _got_ to go pick us up some chicks!"

"Yeah!" chirped Legolas eagerly. "But… where are we going to do that?"

"Hmm… that remains to be a problem," pondered Sam. "Do you know any good places where two hot guys—(Legolas "coughed" again)—could pick up a couple of girls?"

The two sat on the rock and contemplated.

This time it was Legolas' turn to snap his fingers (of course, this time they were slender Elf fingers and not fat Hobbit fingers). "Well," he started, "there was the place in Mirkwood where I met Urwen…this dingy pub were you were likely to come across anyone or anything in all of Middle Earth. I once had a funny encounter with a female Uruk-hai… but what was the name of the pub? Oh yeah, the Mud Orc. But I really don't think that we're going to find two nice girls there— it's more a place where you go to get a one-night stand."

"PERFECT!" Sam roared gleefully. "EXACTLY what I'm looking for! Uh, you do still know the way there, right?"

"Well, I didn't memorize it," replied Legolas. "But I just happen to have a map of the '50 Sleaziest Places in Middle Earth' on me, and I think the Mud Orc is on it." He searched the map for it. "Hmmm, here it is. Wait, there's a big gold star by the name. What does that mean?" He checked the map's key. "Oh, apparently it made the Top 10…"

"Will you shut up about that?" ordered Sam. "The point is, do you know where it is? Can you find it?"

"Well, obviously," boasted Legolas back. "I _am_ and Elf after all, and we _are_ known for our exceptional sense of direction!"

And so the two travelers got up, vainly dusted off their clothes, and headed for the Mud Orc.

***

"Legolas," said Sam to Legolas, "this does _not_ look like the dingy pub you described to me!" 

"I agree…" said Legolas, dumbfounded.

After weeks and weeks of arduous travel, Sam and Legolas reached the Mud Orc. Only, the Mud Orc was not exactly as Legolas remembered. It was now…

"A nightclub! It's a nightclub!" Sam squealed. "O Eru, this is even better than I imagined! There's bound to be at least one chick here that I can take home with me!"

"Well, what are we waiting for?" said Legolas eagerly, "Let's go!"

The two quickly walked up to the door, but just as they were about to go through, a big tough arm came out of nowhere, blocking their advancement.

"And where do you two think you're going?" inquired the bouncer. 

Legolas replied, "Well,"—he glanced at the bouncer's name tag—, "Dolores," –he winked at Dolores—, "my friend and I were about to enter your fine establishment here. So if you don't mind, we'd really like to pass through this here door." 

Dolores curtly replied, "Is your name on the list? If it ain't, I'm afraid I can't let you little boys through." She cracked her knuckles menacingly. 

Legolas gave Dolores a 100-watt beautiful smile, and started playing with his hair in a very hypnotic manner. "Oh, Dolores, you should really let us through, you know," he said very beguilingly.

"I-will-let-you-through," Dolores responded, entranced by the light shining off Legolas' beautiful blond hair.

Legolas and Sam swiftly passed through the door, and soon they found themselves in the most outrageous nightclub in Middle Earth. Pulsating techno reverberated off the walls. Disco balls, sparkly streamers, tinsel, and other shiny dangly things hung off the ceiling. Strobe lights strobed the otherwise dark room, and (magically enhanced) confetti fell from the ceiling. Colorful lasers projected patterns across the walls, and numerous bubble machines produced (magically enhanced) bubbles throughout the room. Lit torches were everywhere, emitting their warm glow and comforting heat on the already sweaty and overheated dancers. Sam and Legolas were in heaven.

Two girls wearing skimpy costumes approached the two "eligible bachelors". One of them said, "Hey you two. Is this your first time at Mud Orc 2K?" 

Legolas and Sam nodded. The club was almost too much for them to handle, and they both felt overwhelmed. 

"Well," said the other, "the bar is to your right, the dancing is right in front of you, obviously, and the _other stuff_ is through that door to your left. I hope to see you both there later," she said, with a suggestive wink. Then the two girls sauntered away.

"Where do we begin?" asked Sam, with his Hobbit eyes all round and wide. 

"Well, I think—" Legolas began, but a (unexplainably formed and obviously out of place) conga line separated the two, and before they knew it, they were separated by miles of dancing people.

"Aw shucks," said Sam. "Now how will I ever find him?"

"_Him?"_ said a random onlooker incredulously. "What are you, queer or something?"

"No! I am _not _queer!" replied Sam waspishly. "My gaffer always said that I was perfectly normal!"

"Ha ha ha," laughed the random onlooker derisively to his random onlooking friends. "The little kid thinks he's normal! Hey little kid, am _I_ normal?" [A.N.: Heehee, _Am I Normal!_ You probably won't get that unless you attend(ed) school in Montgomery County, MD.] 

Sam yelled back, "Hey you, I am _not _a little kid! And I have no idea what the hell you're talking about, you Furuk! So just fuck off!" [A.N: ::gasp:: His gaffer should wash his mouth out with soap!]

Random Onlooker said, "Ok, punk, you and me, here and now! You've scorned my masculinity, and because of my insecurities about myself, I'm going to have to challenge you to a little game!" He whipped out a card table, two folding chairs, a bottle of clear yet glowing liquid, and two shot glasses from behind his back. "The game is called The Binge Game." Both he and Sam sat down in the folding chairs, facing each other across the table. "We each take turns drinking one glass of this potent alcohol here, until one of us passes out. Then he loses, and the other is the winner! It's easier to do than it sounds, trust me." 

"What kind of alcohol?" asked Sam inquiringly.

"A mix of turpentine, vodka, and the chemicals in glowsticks," replied the Random Onlooker.

"Seeing as how we have none of those ingredients in Middle Earth, I'll just have to assume the alcohol is safe to drink," said Sam trustingly. "Ok, since I'm older I'll go first." He poured himself a glass of the liquid, then brought the glass to his lips, tipped his head back, and poured the contents down his throat. He felt as if he had just swallowed a hive of angry bees.

"You're…turn…" he choked to the Random Onlooker.

The Random Onlooker did as Sam had just done, and so the game continued in this fashion.

After Sam's 7th glass, he was having trouble keeping his stomach held together, and his throat was already beyond repair. He called to the dolphin, no wait, the moose, no wait, the firetruck, or was it a pink flamingo, "Are you sure you haven't had enough?"

The…whatever it was… shook it's head. Sam poured himself an 8th glass (sloshing liquid all over the table and on to several innocent dancers in the process), feebly brought it to his mouth, tipped his head back, and weakly poured it down his throat.

Whether it had been the poisonous mixture he just drank being to poisonous, or the strobe light being too seizure-inducing, or the pulsating techno being too earsplitting, no one was ever sure. All they knew was that they saw Sam fall out of his folding chair and writhe on the floor, where he was promptly trampled by several dancers. 

One of the dancers yelled to the janitor, who swiftly came over with his broom and swept Sam's mutilated carcass over to the side of the room and out a conveniently low open window.

Random Onlooker staggered to his feet, yelled, "HAHA I WON!" at the top of his lungs, then threw up all his vital organs all over the dance floor.

***

Meanwhile, while all this was taking place, Legolas had a fiasco of his own.

Legolas, being the popular Elf he was, immediately got invited on to the dance floor by some pretty Elf wearing a mini-skirt. They began to grind.

While in mid-grind, Legolas happened to look over to the couple on his right. He found himself facing a familiar couple. 

Elrond was dirty dancing with Saruman, and looks of sheer bliss were present on each of their faces. But each of their faces looked quite different. Elrond now sported violet dreadlocks, and a lurid heart tattoo on his forehead with a large "S" in the center. Saruman streaked his hair gold, and braided it Jamaican-style, with cute little beads at the end of each braid. He too had a heart tattoo on his forehead, only in the center of this one was an "E". His face was so heavily covered in piercings that he would have been unrecognisable except for the flowing white robes he wore, and the staff held in the crook of one arm.

Legolas stopped grinding completely, and instead turned to face the happy couple.

"Hey honey, look, it's Leggo! Why Leggo, wassssssuuuuupppp? We haven't seen you since the wedding!" Elrond exclaimed dramatically.

"Oh yeah, it's my home dawg Leg-man!" burst out Saruman enthusiastically. "'S up, Leg-dawg?"

"Leg-dawg" looked at Elrond and Saruman suspiciously. "I think your temperatures are 'sup,'" he muttered.

"Wass that, homie-L?" yelled Elrond. "Can't hear you over the killer music!"

"Nothing!" Legolas screamed back. "I just said that it's nice to see both of you!" 

As a new tempo started, Saruman yelled, "Oh man, this is the _best_ song! C'mon, L-dawg, join Elly and me!" He got up on a table, then pulled Legolas and Elrond up, and all three of them started doing the Rohan Rumble. (In case you've never seen the Rohan Rumble, and hopefully you haven't, it involves lots of flailing of arms, high-kicking, jumping around in big circles, and picking people up their partners and throwing them really high in to the air.)

As more and more people saw the trio doing the Rumble, more and more people started doing it. Soon the whole establishment was doing the rumble. The walls were creaking, the floor was shaking, and the ceiling started to drop dust. 

One clumsy dancer accidentally threw his partner too high. She came down awkwardly, knocked over a torch, and within seconds was on fire. As she frantically tried to brush off the flames, she ignited more and more people around her. Soon everyone and everything were on fire. 

Legolas, Saruman, and Elrond were in the middle of the building, standing on a table. When Legolas' beautiful hair caught fire, he started screaming hysterically and jumping around, causing Saruman and Elrond to catch flame. 

Through the closed door of the club, Dolores could hear the painful screams of agony that issued from within. She slowly backed away from the door, then started running away as fast as her huge beefy legs could carry her.

***

The next day, all that remained of the nightclub was a charred heap of tinsel (the metal kind that couldn't burn) amidst a wholly burned and ash-y Mirkwood.

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Phew ::wipes sweat off forehead::, I _finally_ wrote that chapter! I never intended to go on so long about the nightclub.

::Passes tissues around to all Legolas fans:: There there, if you're really unhappy, just imagine that Legolas somehow escaped from the rapidly burning nightclub, climbed on Shadowfax's back, and left M-E forever!

Yup, last chapter coming up sometime soon! Here's a preview:

The last chapter. But where has the Ring washed off to? And you know that a swirling vortex opening up to our Earth can not be a good thing. How will the King respond to a bunch of ravenous businesspeople?

Yup, it's shaping up to be a good one! 

Again, I am sorry about killing Legolas off so brutally. But it has to be done. EVERYONE MUST DIE!! ::pant pant:: I even have a LotR hit list, and only two names remain now...

Mwahahahahaha!

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~


End file.
